walking circles and growing up

when we're little, we always say that we can't wait to grow up. we're excited about the freedom. no rules..or so we think. we can't wait to be on our own and experience life. we think that life is going to be so much easier as a grown up,

the other day, i was hangin' out with one of the girls here at camp. her family lives here because her dad is the main maintenance guy...and she's kinda like my little sister. she was dancing around her house...without a care in the world, it seemed. she was secure in her home....knew she was loved and accepted by her mom and dad...and she was just loving life.

i've been thinking a lot about that these past few days.

if i'm completely honest with myself, life right now is NOT what i thought it would be. in my mind, i had it all figured out that i'd be married and have a family by now. life would be simple...and there would be no worries. i guess, if i'm honest again, i thought that marriage and family was the "be all, end all"...that once that happened, i would be happy and life would go on "happily ever after".

well...i'm 24...and neither of those things is close to being a reality. i live in Texas. i am an intern. and i live with 5 other girls...and there's 4 guys here, too. day to day life is filled with moving tables and chairs, answering the phone, sending/answering e-mails, driving a golf cart, getting camp ready for our guests on the weekends.

i guess up until about 3ish years ago, i still kinda thought like a child...that life was carefree and would be easy and just a walk in the park. being accepted and familiar with my surroundings and...dancing in the sunshine and flowers...rose-colored glasses. i knew there would be hardships...and growing up would have to happen sooner or later. but you know when you have those thoughts you don't necessarily like and you just push them down and pretend like they're not there? yeah. i tried to do that.

for the past 5 months, i have experienced growing up...in a way i never thought i would. but who can REALLY know what growing up is supposed to look like? i've learned a lot about myself...about other people...and mostly about the One i call my Savior and Lord. i've felt things i've never felt before...worked through things i've never had to..experienced things i've never experienced before...and life is just not what i thought it would be. i look back and it's really been a whirlwind. things happen so fast...and change comes at the most unexpected times.

i guess you can never really fully prepare for change. you can do as much as you can...but there's always more angles and aspects to things than when we look at them at face value.

but in the midst of all this, there has been one constant. one thing that has NOT changed, even though i have and circumstances have: God.

gosh. He has stayed consistent...steady...firm. He has never wavered. i talk circles and walk circles and He points me on the straight and narrow. every time. without fail. He has never left me...even in my talking and walking circles. He's walked those circles with me...listened intently to those circles...and He's never given up on me. even when i've given up on myself.

i was talking with a friend today...and she said, "Molly, i think you are too hard on yourself."

hmmm. wow.

she hit it right on the head.

because all the times that i talk circles and walk circles...those are the times that i'm mostly beating myself up for messing up and not being perfect and not having it all together. i walk those circles so much that i make a trail...and then a rut...and then i get stuck. and then i get even more frustrated with myself for not knowing better and i keep going. it's such a vicious cycle, really. and it's exhausting. and the more i dwell on how much i've messed up and then how much i've beat myself up for how much i've messed up...it leaves me more broken...more lost...and more lacking than ever.

because usually when i walk in a circle, i'm so focused on me and i'm so used to the path, that i don't even think to look up to see if there's another direction i can go. or if i do...it seems so far off, i feel like i'll never make it, and i keep walking the familiar circle...the vicious circle of disappointment and trying to figure things out on my own.

and all the while, i forget the One walking with me...along side me...holding me by my right hand. i forget that i am HIS. i forget that He knows best. i forget how He sees me. i forget how He loves me. i forget that He sees me as worthy.

because when i walk those circles, i do not feel worthy of His love...because i don't feel worthy in my own eyes. and in turn, i throw that perception onto God and assume that's just the way He sees me, too.

the same friend that told me i'm too hard on myself? she sat there and with tears in her eyes said to me, "Molly, it hurts me so much when you say that you're not worthy. that you don't see yourself as worthy. because I see it. all of us see it. and GOD sees you as worthy. you're a daughter of the King, Molly. i just wish you saw that."

wow. and i sat there and cried, too...because i knew what she was saying was true. and i knew i wasn't living it out and believing it. she continued to speak TRUTH and LIFE to me, reminding me of who i am IN CHRIST. and how my shortcomings and failures and mess-ups don't define who i am. that God's love is bigger than that. that His grace covers all of that. that He sees me as worthy. and that nothing EVER will change that. that i can rest secure in my identity in Him...because He doesn't change.

my friend walked in my circle with me today, too...but she didn't just walk. she stopped me. sat down with me. and showed me a different way to go. was this way going to be easy? no. was it always going to be filled with sunshine and roses and dancing? no. but the One who will walk it with me will be enough. and THROUGH it all, i can choose to see the joy and beauty in the hardship.

change is hard. growing up is hard. but when you have people in your life to stop you in your circles, sit down with you and speak truth to you, and point you in a different direction...POINT YOU TO JESUS...the change is worth it. the growing up is worth it.

gosh. i know Jesus didn't say it would be easy...and i guess i'm grateful for that. because if it was, then we wouldn't need Him. and when we have Him? we have everything we will ever need.

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." ~Philippians 3:12-14

{#5-Liz}

so, saturday night i was with my friend liz. she was dancing around and i was having some Jesus time. i was watching a documentary about New Zealand and Colombia on a website called "Come&Live". these musicians go around on tours to these places and instead of just going to perform, they also walk the streets of these countries and pray for people on the streets, in restaurants, stores, airports, wherever...and just love on people. i was so encouraged. it's really not that hard to ask someone if they need prayer...especially if they tell you that something hurts or they feel sick. and i was really challenged by it and prayed for an opportunity.

well, not 5 minutes after i prayed, liz comes up to me and says she has to go somewhere. as she's getting her boots on, she tells me that her hip hurts real bad...she did something to it while she was dancing. i ask her if i can pray for it. she says sure. i prayed and asked God to heal it and make it whole. after i was done, i asked her how it felt. she said it still felt the same. i was kinda disappointed, ya know? but i kept praying about it throughout the rest of the night.

i forgot about it sunday...but tonight i remembered and i asked her about it.

me: how does your hip feel?
liz: great! it doesn't hurt at all! sunday morning i woke up and i was able to move it just fine and it's felt awesome ever since!

haha...oh, God...You are so cool :)

{#4-Emoni}

i know i missed a couple days...but i HAVE to share this story with y'all :)

so tonight was the second night i helped out at this thing called "mission Utoo". every sunday night, some people in the community get together and grill out burgers and hotdogs and set up and people can come and get a free meal. and tonight we even had soup because it was so cold! last weekend was SO awesome. God gave so many opportunities to pray for people and play with the kids that were there. i left with a full heart...because God was SO there and HIS work is being done through everyone that serves.

well, tonight was pretty awesome, too :) jace, one of the main guys who sets up mission Utoo in Giddings (where i live)...and also one of my bosses!...came up to me and asked if i would be willing to share my testimony as people came through the line. so, he prayed...then gave me the mic and i got to share God's love and forgiveness with the people who were waiting in line. wow. such a gift and privilege! we served SO many people, even though it was cold and wet. at the end, we had pretty much cleaned up everything when 4 people came up and asked if we were still serving. we were able to give them the rest of the soup (which was JUST enough for them) and the hotdogs and hamburgers that were left. they were so thankful. before they left, we asked if we could pray for them. they gladly accepted. wow. i ended up praying for a girl named Emoni. she was probably my age or a bit younger...and she's 6 months pregnant. she was so beautiful and i was so excited to be able to speak life and truth over her and the sweet baby growing inside of her. after we were done praying, i went over to give her a hug. as we hugged, out of my mouth came the words "i love you"...and she just started crying. she said, "i haven't heard those words in quite a while. thank you." oh, my heart. she kept hugging me and God just started giving me more truth to speak over her...that she is precious and loved and treasured and that she is not defined by her circumstances, but her security rests in Christ and His love for her is so perfect...and i could tell she was receiving it.

this was one of the most beautiful moments i've had in quite some time...to God be the glory.

{#3-Brittany&hugs}

so, working at a camp sometimes feels like you're in a bubble. you see the same people everyday and to "take a risk" in talking to someone doesn't always feel like a risk. so sometimes, like today, i went through the day not really "feeling" like i was supposed to talk specifically to someone or ask someone if they needed prayer for anything. i prayed for people in my mind and heart and really enjoyed my time with them...but my risk came in a different form.

do you ever ask God for something...and then wonder if it's ok to ask Him for that thing? yeah. well, that happened today. today, i took a risk and asked God for hugs. i've literally been aching for more hugs...so i decided that i'd voice it to God...and trust Him for whatever that looked like. so i went through my day...and there were actually quite a few times when people came up to me and voluntarily gave me a hug. wow. my heart. so full. but there was one in particular that stood out to me.

i work with my friend Brittany every day. we're in Guest Services together...and she's always got me laughing. there is NEVER a dull moment with her!! she keeps me sane and has told me, "molly, you can't take life so seriously." and she helps me do just that. well...today after lunch, i stood up to leave and she was sitting next to me. i started walking and she tapped my arm...and then just wrapped me up in a full hug. it was honestly the best. i don't know what it was about it...but receiving that hug from her just filled me to the brim. i felt safe and SO loved.

so...thanks, Brittany. you were an answer to prayer today. and to the others that gave me hugs today? couldn't have gotten through it without you.

thanks, God. <3 br="">

{#2-Charles}

on monday i was playing volleyball by myself...which was ok :) i needed some time alone. close by the court, there were a bunch of guys working on our new coffee shop/gift shop (which is looking amazing!!). as i served the ball, one of the guys, Charles, looks at me and says, "hey, put a smile on your face, now!"...and i responded with a "yes, sir!". it made me think about the look that must've been on my face...and made me so thankful for a person who kinda called me out and put me in my place.

well, today, i was walking and i saw Charles and i almost walked past him. but i decided to stop and say thanks for what he said on monday. as we talked, he said some things that were just so great: "you know, you never know what someone is going through. we all go through stuff, ya know? and i just wanted to make it better." so thankful. and so thankful for a reminder that we never know what people are going through...so we need to make sure we take life slow enough to speak life to them and take time to remember to give grace.

{#1-Rene}

so i read a blog today called "one thousand risks"...basically every day asking Jesus what He's doing, where He's working, and being obedient to where the Spirit leads...and recording the stories of what Jesus does. up to 1,000. now...i don't know if i'm gonna reach 1,000...but i do want to join in with Jesus and share with you what He's up to here in my every day life in Texas.

so...#1.

i had to go to wal-mart today to get some groceries. as i went through the check-out, i sensed that God wanted me to talk with the cashier. her name was Rene. i had bought a huge jar of peanut butter and that's what struck up our conversation. we talked about peanut butter oatmeal cookies (which i made last night!) and she mentioned that she has a peanut butter fudge recipe that is a family favorite. she shared it with me and as our conversation went on, i asked if there was anything i could pray about for her. she said yes. her 2 day old niece, Arieona Marie, is in a children's hospital in Louisiana on a breathing machine because she came out of the womb with a collapsed lung. i told her i would pray...and she said thanks. she then wrote down the recipe for the peanut butter fudge for me...and i left with a full heart.

love is an umbrella

just a bit from my time with Jesus this morning...

"because to make YOU the center means letting go of control and my will...and surrendering to YOUR control and YOUR will. it means loosening this death-grip on me...and resting in the grip You took on death...and crushed...and in turn took a grip on me-so that i could die to myself and come alive in You...and take hold of real life.

humility.
honor.
love.

love is the umbrella that humility and honor fall under.
it is the glue that holds it all together.
it is the river from which everything else flows.
the source from which everything else comes.
it is the outflow from letting Christ be in me-because HE.IS.LOVE.
without love, nothing else matters-it's all a futile effort of performance and approval.
when i don't "feel" love/loved, i resort to earning it-which exerts more strain and heartache because i feel the need to prove something-to God and others.
i feel like there's something more that i can give-instead of realizing that all that's worth giving is Jesus.
and i can't even give Jesus if i haven't taken time to RECEIVE Him...and receive FROM HIM-receive who He is, what He's like.
how can i be like someone if i don't take the time to get to know who they really are?

and what's more beautiful and meaningful than giving?

because every time i try to give what i don't have, i'm actually trying to get something i don't need.
satan tries to convince me that the more i get-from trying to give what i don't have-the happier i'll be.

but JESUS says: "the more of ME you receive-and then GIVE AWAY-that's when joy becomes your heartbeat."

joy is a result of giving myself away-
dying to me, my flesh, my desires and living in who Jesus-HIS heart, HIS desires.

"...for the joy set before Him, He endured the cross, scorning its shame." (Hebrews 12:2)

JOY was set before Jesus...but the only way He could get there was enduring death...the ultimate act of obedience to His Father.

and what is obeDIEnce, but DYING to ourselves and coming alive in what God has called us to?
that's when JOY comes to life.
that's when LOVE comes to life.
that's when i begin to see that it's really not about me and what i can get and hold onto.

it's all about JESUS, what i receive from HIM-and then give away."

*Colossians 3:12-14*
*Romans 13:14*
 *Philippians 2:3-7*
*1 Corinthians 13*