love is an umbrella

just a bit from my time with Jesus this morning...

"because to make YOU the center means letting go of control and my will...and surrendering to YOUR control and YOUR will. it means loosening this death-grip on me...and resting in the grip You took on death...and crushed...and in turn took a grip on me-so that i could die to myself and come alive in You...and take hold of real life.

humility.
honor.
love.

love is the umbrella that humility and honor fall under.
it is the glue that holds it all together.
it is the river from which everything else flows.
the source from which everything else comes.
it is the outflow from letting Christ be in me-because HE.IS.LOVE.
without love, nothing else matters-it's all a futile effort of performance and approval.
when i don't "feel" love/loved, i resort to earning it-which exerts more strain and heartache because i feel the need to prove something-to God and others.
i feel like there's something more that i can give-instead of realizing that all that's worth giving is Jesus.
and i can't even give Jesus if i haven't taken time to RECEIVE Him...and receive FROM HIM-receive who He is, what He's like.
how can i be like someone if i don't take the time to get to know who they really are?

and what's more beautiful and meaningful than giving?

because every time i try to give what i don't have, i'm actually trying to get something i don't need.
satan tries to convince me that the more i get-from trying to give what i don't have-the happier i'll be.

but JESUS says: "the more of ME you receive-and then GIVE AWAY-that's when joy becomes your heartbeat."

joy is a result of giving myself away-
dying to me, my flesh, my desires and living in who Jesus-HIS heart, HIS desires.

"...for the joy set before Him, He endured the cross, scorning its shame." (Hebrews 12:2)

JOY was set before Jesus...but the only way He could get there was enduring death...the ultimate act of obedience to His Father.

and what is obeDIEnce, but DYING to ourselves and coming alive in what God has called us to?
that's when JOY comes to life.
that's when LOVE comes to life.
that's when i begin to see that it's really not about me and what i can get and hold onto.

it's all about JESUS, what i receive from HIM-and then give away."

*Colossians 3:12-14*
*Romans 13:14*
 *Philippians 2:3-7*
*1 Corinthians 13*

at a loss and so full

sometimes i just wish there was a way i could actually put into words what happens inside my heart. especially today.

over the past 2 days, i have had more life and truth and love spoken to me than i have in a while...especially in such a short period of time. 

i'm really amazed...and sometimes i wonder why. why does it amaze me that God hears my prayers...AND answers them? why does it amaze me that when i ask Him for encouragement, He sends it? why does it amaze me that when i ask Him to take the clouds away so i can see the stars, He DOES it? why does it amaze me that when i ask Him for strength to get through the day because i'm SO exhausted, He just carries me and i make it through like i had 10 hours of sleep the night before?

why do those things amaze me? isn't that who God is? isn't that what He does? and yet...every time...i stand there and smile and say, "God, You're just so cool."

but maybe that's the way it should be. maybe He really delights in the fact that these small things are actually big things to me because He knows it's the little things that get to the deepest parts of my heart. and maybe it's just His way of speaking love to me.

or...maybe i'm beginning to see things differently. maybe i'm beginning to actually believe that when i ask something of Jesus...big or small...He will do it. and then when He does, it's just so beautiful...and it restores faith and love. it turns my eyes back to HIM and not to my own means. maybe He's showing me that He is faithful in these "small" things...so i can trust Him with the big things, too...and i don't have to try and figure things out on my own.

or...maybe it's a combination of all of these things. whatever it is, i'm just so at a loss...and i'm in awe...and i'm so thankful. 

woah. 

i'm at a loss...but i'm so full. 

yeah, Jesus. that makes so much sense. it's when i'm less and empty that i'm the most full because all that's left to fill me is You...and You fill me perfectly. it's when i try and do this on my own that when i feel "full", it's a false full because it's me. and all i have to "fill" myself with is a false sense of security and joy...which, in the end, just leaves me empty and lacking. 

gosh. what beauty and glory to know that it's ok to be at a loss...and still be FULL. 

yeah.