so, i've really been having this urge to blog lately. i don't know what it is...but it's there. and i finally re-discovered how this whole thing works! so hopefully i'll be doing it more often :)
i'm not really sure what to say right now...or what i WANT to say. i'm at school. no, not going to college...at an elementary school, serving as an AmeriCorps member through the Marshfield Clinic. i work with the most incredible kindergarten and 1st graders EVER. they are seriously like my family...and in 14 days, they'll be gone for the summer. at the beginning of the year, i would have never imagined being where i am today...having to deal with and experience everything that i have experienced. the kids at this school are searching. they may not know it...but they are searching for something more than what they have. for so many of them, home stinks. there is nothing consistent in their lives except for inconsistency. brokenness. pain. anger. loneliness. then they come to school, bringing all of that with them. trying to be ok. trying to put a smile on. but...it just doesn't work. kids act out. they misbehave. they say things they don't really mean. i ask God "why" all the time...and His answer is: "it's what they know. they don't understand how to express themselves in the proper way. they don't know what it's like to really be loved."
that's why i'm here.
so many teachers at the school ask me why i'm serving as an AmeriCorps. "is it because you want to be a teacher?" "are you testing the waters for a possible teaching position?" my answer to these questions is: NO. i went to college for a year, because i thought i wanted to be a teacher. for forever, that's what i thought i wanted to be. so, i went to an amazing college...and found out that teaching is not for me. was that one year at school wasted, then? absolutely not! God showed me so many things about myself...things that He had put inside of me...and it took that year away from home and comfort to discover them. i am not one to be in front of a classroom and to be in charge. i like to be the support...the one-on-one person that can take kids aside and really get to know them and help them exactly how they need to be helped...to love them. that's why i'm here.
I AM HERE TO LOVE.
love is such a cliche word that has lost meaning over the past long time. it's become a word used to describe how much we like a slice of pizza...or a movie...or a joke. love is so much more than that. love is showing...BEING...Jesus to people. GOD IS LOVE. and we are called to be like Him. love is selfless...sacrificial...thinking of others before oneself. love is letting God saturate every part of us until all people see is Him...so that when we interact with people...or walk past somebody...or smile...or give a hug...they know and see something different in us.
i cannot love by myself.
my love is incomplete. my love fails. my love is not perfect. my love is not consistent. my love is based on how i feel. my love is nothing. that's why...everyday...i have to ask God to be love for me...in me...through me. HIS love is complete...and makes us complete. HIS love is perfect...and perfects us. HIS love is consistent...it's everlasting. HIS love is based on truth. HIS love is everything.
I NEED GOD'S LOVE.
in order for people to truly know what it means and feels like to be loved...i need to have God's love inside of me. i need to get rid of every selfish motive...every desire of the flesh...and have God take over. and that's what i try and do everyday. i ask God to BE in me: my hands, my feet, my mouth, my words, my thoughts, my actions/reactions...my LOVE.
without God's love, i am nothing.
without God's love, i have nothing to give.
so...that's why i'm here. to show these kids a love they have never experienced before. to be Jesus with skin on. to show them that there really are people who love them and care about them...and will always be there for them.
Jesus...I want to be like You.
