when we're little, we always say that we can't wait to grow up. we're excited about the freedom. no rules..or so we think. we can't wait to be on our own and experience life. we think that life is going to be so much easier as a grown up,
the other day, i was hangin' out with one of the girls here at camp. her family lives here because her dad is the main maintenance guy...and she's kinda like my little sister. she was dancing around her house...without a care in the world, it seemed. she was secure in her home....knew she was loved and accepted by her mom and dad...and she was just loving life.
i've been thinking a lot about that these past few days.
if i'm completely honest with myself, life right now is NOT what i thought it would be. in my mind, i had it all figured out that i'd be married and have a family by now. life would be simple...and there would be no worries. i guess, if i'm honest again, i thought that marriage and family was the "be all, end all"...that once that happened, i would be happy and life would go on "happily ever after".
well...i'm 24...and neither of those things is close to being a reality. i live in Texas. i am an intern. and i live with 5 other girls...and there's 4 guys here, too. day to day life is filled with moving tables and chairs, answering the phone, sending/answering e-mails, driving a golf cart, getting camp ready for our guests on the weekends.
i guess up until about 3ish years ago, i still kinda thought like a child...that life was carefree and would be easy and just a walk in the park. being accepted and familiar with my surroundings and...dancing in the sunshine and flowers...rose-colored glasses. i knew there would be hardships...and growing up would have to happen sooner or later. but you know when you have those thoughts you don't necessarily like and you just push them down and pretend like they're not there? yeah. i tried to do that.
for the past 5 months, i have experienced growing up...in a way i never thought i would. but who can REALLY know what growing up is supposed to look like? i've learned a lot about myself...about other people...and mostly about the One i call my Savior and Lord. i've felt things i've never felt before...worked through things i've never had to..experienced things i've never experienced before...and life is just not what i thought it would be. i look back and it's really been a whirlwind. things happen so fast...and change comes at the most unexpected times.
i guess you can never really fully prepare for change. you can do as much as you can...but there's always more angles and aspects to things than when we look at them at face value.
but in the midst of all this, there has been one constant. one thing that has NOT changed, even though i have and circumstances have: God.
gosh. He has stayed consistent...steady...firm. He has never wavered. i talk circles and walk circles and He points me on the straight and narrow. every time. without fail. He has never left me...even in my talking and walking circles. He's walked those circles with me...listened intently to those circles...and He's never given up on me. even when i've given up on myself.
i was talking with a friend today...and she said, "Molly, i think you are too hard on yourself."
hmmm. wow.
she hit it right on the head.
because all the times that i talk circles and walk circles...those are the times that i'm mostly beating myself up for messing up and not being perfect and not having it all together. i walk those circles so much that i make a trail...and then a rut...and then i get stuck. and then i get even more frustrated with myself for not knowing better and i keep going. it's such a vicious cycle, really. and it's exhausting. and the more i dwell on how much i've messed up and then how much i've beat myself up for how much i've messed up...it leaves me more broken...more lost...and more lacking than ever.
because usually when i walk in a circle, i'm so focused on me and i'm so used to the path, that i don't even think to look up to see if there's another direction i can go. or if i do...it seems so far off, i feel like i'll never make it, and i keep walking the familiar circle...the vicious circle of disappointment and trying to figure things out on my own.
and all the while, i forget the One walking with me...along side me...holding me by my right hand. i forget that i am HIS. i forget that He knows best. i forget how He sees me. i forget how He loves me. i forget that He sees me as worthy.
because when i walk those circles, i do not feel worthy of His love...because i don't feel worthy in my own eyes. and in turn, i throw that perception onto God and assume that's just the way He sees me, too.
the same friend that told me i'm too hard on myself? she sat there and with tears in her eyes said to me, "Molly, it hurts me so much when you say that you're not worthy. that you don't see yourself as worthy. because I see it. all of us see it. and GOD sees you as worthy. you're a daughter of the King, Molly. i just wish you saw that."
wow. and i sat there and cried, too...because i knew what she was saying was true. and i knew i wasn't living it out and believing it. she continued to speak TRUTH and LIFE to me, reminding me of who i am IN CHRIST. and how my shortcomings and failures and mess-ups don't define who i am. that God's love is bigger than that. that His grace covers all of that. that He sees me as worthy. and that nothing EVER will change that. that i can rest secure in my identity in Him...because He doesn't change.
my friend walked in my circle with me today, too...but she didn't just walk. she stopped me. sat down with me. and showed me a different way to go. was this way going to be easy? no. was it always going to be filled with sunshine and roses and dancing? no. but the One who will walk it with me will be enough. and THROUGH it all, i can choose to see the joy and beauty in the hardship.
change is hard. growing up is hard. but when you have people in your life to stop you in your circles, sit down with you and speak truth to you, and point you in a different direction...POINT YOU TO JESUS...the change is worth it. the growing up is worth it.
gosh. i know Jesus didn't say it would be easy...and i guess i'm grateful for that. because if it was, then we wouldn't need Him. and when we have Him? we have everything we will ever need.
"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." ~Philippians 3:12-14
