Fragile Hearts

The kids are crazy and not listening to directions.

It's noisy and my patience is running a bit thin.

There's a substitute teacher.

I try and breathe deep...and as I do, a little boy is swatting a small plastic Ziploc bag at another.

Before I take the time to be "quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry", I jump straight to the "fast to speak and fast to become frustrated" part. oh...wait...

And as the words come rushing out of my mouth, they probably sound like a hammer hitting a nail to the little boy looking up at me saying, "But he did it, too!" I take no time to hear him out. I just want him to know that it's not ok to swat at another person with a bag.

And before I know it, this sweet little boy shuts down, puts his head in his lap and cries. I try and talk to him...no answer. I ask if he will forgive me. "NO."

I sit there and rub his back, asking God to heal his broken, fragile little heart. I ask God to forgive me for being quick to speak and letting frustration get the best of me. I sit there and realize: we all have fragile hearts.

Kids, teenagers, adults...everyone. We all have fragile hearts. Some might try and deny it. Some might put up the front that, no, my heart is strong. Some might say, "Sticks and stone will break my bones, but words will never hurt me." But really, as much as we say it or try and convince ourselves of it...deep down, our heart is fragile.

SO fragile.

Because in every one of us there is a longing...a deep, deep longing...to know that we are loved. Appreciated. Worthy. And the words that are spoken to us or the actions that are done toward us, go deep and we base our identity and loveliness and worth on those things. Words and actions sometimes determine the course of our day. One thing said can either bring us down or make us soar.

Because our hearts are fragile. SO fragile. And we take everything captive and personal. And we just want to know that we are valued.

Proverbs says, "The tongue has the power of life and death." The words we speak have the power to build up or tear down. The way we respond to situations can determine the course of someone's day.

Be careful with your words. Be careful with your actions and responses.

Be careful.

We all have fragile hearts.

This One's For The Ladies!

Father, who breathed into this precious friend...

I pray for this girl being formed into eternity...

May the wind always be in her hair

May the sky always be wide with hope above her

And may all the hills be an exhilaration.

The trials but a trail,

All the stones but stairs to God.

God, clothe this girl in a gown of grace.
Grace, the only dress that makes beautiful
The style of Your Spirit.

Nourish her on the comfort food of the Word.
Word, that makes her crave more of Christ,
Have hunger pangs for Him.

Enclose her in communion with You.
You, Love who makes her love, who folds her heart into a roof
That absorbs storms for souls,
That make her tongue speak only the words that make souls stronger.

May her vocation in this world simply be translation:

Translating every enemy into esteemed guest.
Translating every countenance into the face of Christ.
Translating every burden into blessing.

When it's hard to be patient...make her willing to suffer.
When it's ridiculous to be thankful..make her see all is grace.
When it's radical to forgive...make her live the foundation of our faith.
And when it's time to work...make her a holy wonder.

May she be bread and feed many with her life and her laughter.
May she be thread and mend brokenness and knit hearts.
May she be dead to all ladders and never go higher, only lower, to the lonely, the least and the longing.
Her, led of the Spirit, to lead many to the Cross-
That leads to the tomb, wildly empty.

Amen...

(Ann Voskamp)

Me? Homeless?

So, I spent this last weekend with my amazing cousin, Jasmine :) Wow...talk about a blessing!! We had SO much fun together: saying hi to our friends who worked in the mall on Black Friday, watching movies, shopping, walking downtown at night, sleeping in, eating ice cream, taking the wrong exit, getting our pictures taken, going to church, singing...and just sharing life together. IT WAS SO GOOD!!

But I have to tell you something:

When Jaz and I were leaving Wal-Mart after our pictures, there was a homeless guy on the corner. I barely even looked at him. I immediately judged him. I did not love him. And we drove right past. Even when I wanted to ask Jaz to go back, I stayed silent...for fear of what she might think. Seriously? Was I so stuck on myself? Was I so stuck on the people I was with and what I was doing that I forgot-or chose not to see-those who needed more than I? Not just needed money...but needed JESUS? Was I so blind?

I sing songs about love and how God is love and how we are to love others. But what does it mean if there's not action?

"Be not only hearers of the Word, but doers also."
"Faith without works is dead."

How simple it would have been to take a minute to help that man.

And I chose me.

Jesus has given me an example to follow...in His steps. And I chose to stand still. I chose to be blind to a man that needed His love. His love in action.

As fun as the weekend, was, that man's face will be imprinted in my mind.

Why was I ashamed to look that man in the face?
Why was it so hard to take in his position?

It's because when I looked at that man, I saw me.

I saw pain, hurt, and shame.
I saw struggle...and need.
I saw the fight to make it through another day.

I saw me...and I didn't want to admit to it.

I didn't want to admit that I felt homeless.
Helpless.
Ashamed.
I didn't want to admit the pain of asking for help.
Letting the whole world know I'm not ok.
I didn't want to admit that the emptiness in his eyes reflected the emptiness I felt inside.
The loneliness deep in my heart.
The struggle to keep my head up and fight through another day.

I didn't want to admit that the homeless man on the corner reflected me...how I feel in the deepest parts of me.
How many times do people pass ME by, not taking a second glance...or even ONE glance in my direction?

Do they not want to admit they are in the same place, too?

Broken.
Lonely.
Searching.
Aching for someone to take the time...and LOVE?
REALLY LOVE?
To be Jesus to them?

What if we did that?
What if every person we saw, we saw as Jesus...and how Jesus sees them?
What if we chose to radically change the way we loved people?
What if we chose to not think twice...and we just...DID?
What if we were intentional and really took time...and LISTENED?
What if we looked people in the eyes...and just...LOVED them?
Shared life with them?
Struggles.
Pains.
Hurts.
Victories.
Joy.

What if we let each other know that we're NOT ALONE in this?

And when we look at each other, what if we choose to see not our reflection...but the face of Jesus-Christ in us, the hope of glory-and share that hope with each other.

That's when we put love in action. That's when healing starts. That's when we see JESUS.

He Gives More Grace

Do you ever have those days where it seems like there's a constant battle going on in your mind? A battle of desires? When your spirit is willing, but your flesh is weak? And because it can get so frustrating, you get caught up in it and it causes you to be blinded to everything and everyone around you and when someone tries to talk to you, you snap and say things the wrong way? And they hurt? And you hurt?

Yeah. That's been me lately. My mind has been a minefield. A battleground. A seemingly constant flow of ammunition, good and not so good. And right after I think I have finished one battle, another one starts. And I try to take the side of "taking every thought captive and make it obedient unto Christ" (2 Corinthians 10:5), but sometimes I'm just exhausted and I give up and everything seems to blow up right in my face.

I'm finding that the root cause of these lost battles is disappointments. Unmet expectations. Wanting something and not getting it. Take last night, for example. I had a LONG day at school. I got out later than I had hoped. I missed my little brother's basketball game. Play practice went longer than I thought. And when I got home, I just wanted to be alone and not talk to anyone...but my parent's were up. And being the amazing people they are, they asked me about my day and how I was. Normally, this would have been fine. I love talking with my mom and dad and SO appreciate that they care about me and how I'm doing. But because my day was chalk-full of frustrations and disappointments, and because I chose to dwell on those things, the whole time I was talking with them I was brewing on the inside. I completely forgot the whole "take every thought captive" thing and ended up blowing up at my mom for really no reason at all. And after I thought about it, I realized the root cause of my blow-up was from all the disappointments of my day. I let them build up so much, it blinded me from seeing my parents' sincerity and I blew them off and they got hurt. And I hurt.

So this morning as I was reading my Bible, I read this in James 4:1-3,6a:

"What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with the wrong motives...BUT HE GIVES MORE GRACE..." (emphasis mine)

Wow.

I really couldn't believe it. It was like being put in front of a mirror. That was my night last night. To a "t".

So I've been thinking about these verses all day. And I'm finding it's SO easy to stay in the rut of "I wanted something, but I didn't get it. I cannot have what I want." Even when I have asked God for certain things, when I cam completely honest with myself, I have asked with the wrong motives. Selfish, ugly motives that only bring instant pleasure...which is totally not of Jesus.

It's so easy to focus on the negative. But I love verse 6: "BUT HE GIVES MORE GRACE..."

Wow. God gives more grace.

More than He already gives, which is more than we can comprehend because every breath we breathe is because of His grace. EVERYTHING is because of His grace.

And He gives more.

I seriously can't wrap my mind around this right now. I am at a loss for words. In the midst of our struggles to keep our thoughts in obedience to Jesus...in the midst of our fights and quarrels...in the midst of our desires that wage war in our souls...in the midst of our wrong motives...HE GIVES MORE GRACE. Not saying those things are ok or He'll look past them...because we are definitely called to repentance. But in our repentance we find grace. In His forgiveness, we find His grace.

IN EVERYTHING HE GIVES MORE GRACE.

Grace to fight through the struggles. Grace to choose obedience. Grace to change our motives. Grace to ask. Grace to live at His feet.

Wow.

HE GIVES MORE GRACE.

Today I Am Thankful For:

~sleeping in
~songs that hit me right where i'm at
~getting the new Kari Jobe CD!!
~Little Ceasar's Pizza
~spending the day with my family ♥
~Finding Nemo
~going for a walk
~my little brother laying on me while we watched a movie
~ice cream
~making hamburgers...and they were really good!
~reading a book
~seeing friends in town
~trying on fun clothes :)
~walking around town with my dad :)
~a phone call from my best friend...speaking truth to me, even though it hurt
~being reminded that God is good...He is in control...and that being thankful can change my perspective on life


Thankfulness should be a lifestyle...not just something we do in November during Thanksgiving. How would life change for you if you chose to write down the things you were thankful for...EVERY DAY?

I'm finding it's changing my life...a lot.

Try it. You might see God in more places than you imagined...

Never Alone...Fully Known

Ya know...it's so amazing to know that we are never alone. We have Jesus, who lives to intercede for us, and He has been everywhere we have been and has experienced every emotion we have experienced...and He had VICTORY.

Those tears you're crying? Jesus cried, too...and He holds your tears in a bottle...not one goes unnoticed. The pain in your heart? Jesus experienced pain, too...in SO many ways: physical, emotional, mental. But He didn't let that pain keep Him from doing His Father's will...what He came to this earth to do. He chose to keep His eyes on His Father. To take time to be with Him. to delight in Him. He knew that was the only way life could go. And He wasn't afraid. Because He knew His Father. He TRUSTED His Father.

But He became like us, so that we would have someone to go to when it feels like no one else understands or gets it. So that when He sees us, He can go to His Father and say, "Hey Dad...you see that one down there? Yeah...the one who is hurting, but still looking to You for strength? I love them. I remember when I was hurting, and I came to You...and You and I together, we figured things out. I know how they feel...and I just want to come to You on their behalf...because I love them." Jesus intercedes for us. He takes the prayers we pray and brings them to the feet of the Father. He takes wherever we are at...and totally gets it. He cups our face with His hands and says, "I know...I know." He is closer than you know. He is nearer than you think. He is loving you. He is relentless in His compassion over you. He is singing over you. He is dancing over you. He is delighting in you. He has His eyes on you...and His heart SET on you. He tells you that you don't need to be afraid. He tells you that He is peace...and that His yoke is easy and His burden is light. He says that you are precious in His sight.

He says that He loves you.

Don't miss that, friend.
He says that He loves YOU.

Do you know how amazing it is to be loved by Him? What it feels like to be held in His embrace? Do you know what it's like to run into His arms just as you are and have Him hold you? Do you know what it's like to live in His joy and freedom? Do yo know what it's like to walk in His peace? Do you know what it's like to not have all that junk in your life wiped clean out and be able to live like Jesus? Do you know what it's like to live under no condemnation? Do you know what it's like to be seen as blameless? Do you know what it's like to be seen as whole...and holy? Do you know what it's like to be FREE?

That's what His love does for you. That's why He became sin for us...so that we might become the righteousness of God. So that when God looks at us, He sees not our unrighteousness, but Jesus-pure, blameless, and holy. The One who took our place. The One who bore our sins. The One who bore our pain so that we don't have to...because He gets it. He understands.

By HIS striped we are healed.
We are precious to Him.
YOU are precious to Him.
YOU are loved by HIM.

And because of that crazy love, friend...YOU ARE NEVER ALONE. ♥

He Holds ALL Things Together

It's so easy to believe lies when your mind is not at peace.

It's so easy to be afraid when you're not finding your rest in God alone.

It's so easy to worry when you're not trusting God.

It's so easy to let other things take precedence over Jesus when you're in a state of being overwhelmed and you just want an outlet...but that outlet brings more overwhelming-ness and no peace to the soul.

Then you beat yourself up because you know the Source of peace, and you won't have peace until you plug into the Source. And the longer you resist, the harder it is to make the choice and do it. And when you finally do, and you tell God all your secrets and the struggles, pains, and fears you're going through, and you're completely honest with Him and you remember who He is...the fear seems a bit smaller, your trust in Him gets a little bigger and you realize that all along all you had to do is stop and just let God have it.

Fill Him in, even though He already knows, because sometimes telling God about your life somehow reminds you of how BIG He really is. That He is gotten you through so much before...and He can do it again. That in Him, He holds all things together (Colossians 1:17).

Your past, present, future...He's holding it. Together.

He sees. He knows. He cares.

Because you're HIS.

This God, who keeps the earth spinning and calls each star by name and knows the number of hairs on your head...He's the same God who sees you when you feel like life is falling apart. He's the same God who catches all your tears in a bottle. He's the same God who cares about the details of your life.

And this God...mighty, holy, awesome, majestic, just and righteous God...He knows your name. He thinks precious thoughts toward you that out number the grains of sand. He delights over you. He sings over you He dances over you.

This God...He holds all things together.

He holds YOU together.

You might be shaken to the core...but this God keeps you alive. You might be struck down, but you are not destroyed. This God fights with you and for you and He holds your right hand.

He sees your every move.

You are KNOWN BY HIM.

And He loves you for who you are. And because He loves you for who you are and because He has a plan for you that is GOOD and full of HOPE and a FUTURE...and because you are HIS-because of these things-HE HOLDS ALL THINGS TOGETHER. Thread by thread. piece by piece...however broken they may be. He keeps you together, creating a glorious masterpiece, intricate with detail, to put on display for all the world to see: that HE IS GOOD. He is faithful. that IN HIM, ALL THINGS HOLD TOGETHER.

soooo...it's been a while

so, i've really been having this urge to blog lately. i don't know what it is...but it's there. and i finally re-discovered how this whole thing works! so hopefully i'll be doing it more often :)

i'm not really sure what to say right now...or what i WANT to say. i'm at school. no, not going to college...at an elementary school, serving as an AmeriCorps member through the Marshfield Clinic. i work with the most incredible kindergarten and 1st graders EVER. they are seriously like my family...and in 14 days, they'll be gone for the summer. at the beginning of the year, i would have never imagined being where i am today...having to deal with and experience everything that i have experienced. the kids at this school are searching. they may not know it...but they are searching for something more than what they have. for so many of them, home stinks.  there is nothing consistent in their lives except for inconsistency. brokenness. pain. anger. loneliness. then they come to school, bringing all of that with them. trying to be ok. trying to put a smile on. but...it just doesn't work. kids act out. they misbehave. they say things they don't really mean. i ask God "why" all the time...and His answer is: "it's what they know. they don't understand how to express themselves in the proper way. they don't know what it's like to really be loved."

that's why i'm here.

so many teachers at the school ask me why i'm serving as an AmeriCorps. "is it because you want to be a teacher?" "are you testing the waters for a possible teaching position?" my answer to these questions is: NO. i went to college for a year, because i thought i wanted to be a teacher. for forever, that's what i thought i wanted to be. so, i went to an amazing college...and found out that teaching is not for me. was that one year at school wasted, then? absolutely not! God showed me so many things about myself...things that He had put inside of me...and it took that year away from home and comfort to discover them. i am not one to be in front of a classroom and to be in charge. i like to be the support...the one-on-one person that can take kids aside and really get to know them and help them exactly how they need to be helped...to love them. that's why i'm here.

I AM HERE TO LOVE.

love is such a cliche word that has lost meaning over the past long time. it's become a word used to describe how much we like a slice of pizza...or a movie...or a joke. love is so much more than that. love is showing...BEING...Jesus to people. GOD IS LOVE. and we are called to be like Him. love is selfless...sacrificial...thinking of others before oneself. love is letting God saturate every part of us until all people see is Him...so that when we interact with people...or walk past somebody...or smile...or give a hug...they know and see something different in us.

i cannot love by myself.

my love is incomplete. my love fails. my love is not perfect. my love is not consistent. my love is based on how i feel. my love is nothing. that's why...everyday...i have to ask God to be love for me...in me...through me. HIS love is complete...and makes us complete. HIS love is perfect...and perfects us. HIS love is consistent...it's everlasting. HIS love is based on truth. HIS love is everything.

I NEED GOD'S LOVE.

in order for people to truly know what it means and feels like to be loved...i need to have God's love inside of me. i need to get rid of every selfish motive...every desire of the flesh...and have God take over. and that's what i try and do everyday. i ask God to BE in me: my hands, my feet, my mouth, my words, my thoughts, my actions/reactions...my LOVE.

without God's love, i am nothing.
without God's love, i have nothing to give.

so...that's why i'm here. to show these kids a love they have never experienced before. to be Jesus with skin on. to show them that there really are people who love them and care about them...and will always be there for them.

Jesus...I want to be like You.