well...it's been a really long time since i've done this...and i apologize.
a lot has happened in the past 2 months...like going to South Africa for 2 weeks...and then moving to Texas 2 weeks after that. yeah. it's been a lot to sort through. and my overall consensus? none of it is what i was expecting.
Africa was great. and i am so thankful i went. it definitely was a dream come true. but i went in, thinking i knew what to expect and what i was doing...and i couldn't have been more wrong.
ya know, it's when you go into situations with a mindset like that, that you just set yourself up for disappointment. because if nothing happens the way you expected it to, then you miss out on what could have been because you're so focused on being bummed about things not going your way...and you'll probably never know. but if everything DOES go as planned, what's the fun in being amazed and surprised in spontaneity or the freedom in changing plans? now, i'm not dissing making plans or encouraging going into a situation completely blind...but what i am saying is that we should always leave room for change...for Jesus to completely have His way, whatever that looks like.
and i've definitely been learning that my first 2 weeks here in texas.
life has been hard these past 2 weeks. i packed up my things and came to a place where i knew no one and only knew the jist of what i was going to be doing. i came into a place where Jesus is everywhere...and the people here love Jesus so much...and people MY age love Jesus a lot and i get to LIVE with them and work with them. a total dream come true...right? well, yeah. but here's the thing: i've had to completely let go of control here. i am in a whole new environment...i don't know everyone and everyone does not know me. it's like i'm starting all over in areas where i thought i knew what to do or knew how to be. i have had to be dependent on people instead of being the one others depend on. i've had to ask for help and prayer instead of being the one people come to to ask for help and prayer. i've had to be honest about my shortcomings and ugly heart...before God and people here instead of being the one listening to others share their struggles.
and i hope you hear this: i'm not saying these things to puff myself up or to say "oh, look at me"...this is just the real, raw, honest truth of what's been going on in my heart. i am out of my comfort zone. my security and "normalcy" have been stripped from me...and i've cried. a lot of tears. i've broken down in front of everyone. things have triggered emotions in my heart that i didn't even know i had. and my pride has just been being consistently broken. and i am brought low...right where i should be.
this transition was not what i was expecting. but i will tell you this: the community of people God has placed around me has been more than what i ever dared to ask for. i have been encouraged, held, prayed for, and so much truth has been spoken to me...the same truth from so many different people: it's ok to ask for help. it's ok to be dependent. it's ok to not have it all together. this year is a year for you to learn that you don't always have to be the strong one for others...that Jesus is that for you and that He gives you people to be that for you as well. you weren't meant to do this life alone...you weren't meant to carry burdens by yourself.
so, i've basically had to come to the end of myself...and i'm still not there. everyday is SUCH a struggle. and this struggle is not against flesh and blood, but totally in the spiritual realm. satan is real and his lies are real and his attacks are real. i don't think i've ever felt so much anxiety or self doubt than in these past 2 weeks. and oh, how easy to let those things in. and before you know it, you feel like you're drowning and you can barely breathe. and when you're where you're supposed to be, he comes in even harder.
BUT, one thing i know: Jesus is real. God is real. the Holy Spirit is real. and the same power that lived in Jesus lives in me. and Jesus is bigger and stronger and more powerful. and He is TRUTH and the Spirit leads into all truth. and the only way i'm gonna know that truth is to read the Words God gave me...and then apply them to my life.
so, a lot of people are asking me how i'm doing and how i'm liking texas.
my answer: only by the grace of God am i where i am today. these past 2 weeks have been some of the most emotionally, physically and spiritually draining weeks i've ever had. but they have also been 2 of the most refining...and there's 50 more to go. i can't believe i am going to be here for 1 whole year.
as for texas...i really do like it :) yes, it's hot...yes, it's hot...and oh-did i mention it's hot? :D but seriously. it's a beautiful state and Tejas is a beautiful place. Jesus is so alive and moving here, it's unreal.
please pray for me:
~that i keep my eyes on Jesus
~that i don't resist change in my heart
~that our community would continue to grow closer to each other and Jesus
~that i would apply what i learn
~against anxiety and self-doubt and insecurity
i am so thankful for each one of you...for your love, encouragement and support. i could not do this without you!!
this is not what i was expecting...but it's ok. it's what Jesus was expecting...and He's worth it.
