at a loss and so full

sometimes i just wish there was a way i could actually put into words what happens inside my heart. especially today.

over the past 2 days, i have had more life and truth and love spoken to me than i have in a while...especially in such a short period of time. 

i'm really amazed...and sometimes i wonder why. why does it amaze me that God hears my prayers...AND answers them? why does it amaze me that when i ask Him for encouragement, He sends it? why does it amaze me that when i ask Him to take the clouds away so i can see the stars, He DOES it? why does it amaze me that when i ask Him for strength to get through the day because i'm SO exhausted, He just carries me and i make it through like i had 10 hours of sleep the night before?

why do those things amaze me? isn't that who God is? isn't that what He does? and yet...every time...i stand there and smile and say, "God, You're just so cool."

but maybe that's the way it should be. maybe He really delights in the fact that these small things are actually big things to me because He knows it's the little things that get to the deepest parts of my heart. and maybe it's just His way of speaking love to me.

or...maybe i'm beginning to see things differently. maybe i'm beginning to actually believe that when i ask something of Jesus...big or small...He will do it. and then when He does, it's just so beautiful...and it restores faith and love. it turns my eyes back to HIM and not to my own means. maybe He's showing me that He is faithful in these "small" things...so i can trust Him with the big things, too...and i don't have to try and figure things out on my own.

or...maybe it's a combination of all of these things. whatever it is, i'm just so at a loss...and i'm in awe...and i'm so thankful. 

woah. 

i'm at a loss...but i'm so full. 

yeah, Jesus. that makes so much sense. it's when i'm less and empty that i'm the most full because all that's left to fill me is You...and You fill me perfectly. it's when i try and do this on my own that when i feel "full", it's a false full because it's me. and all i have to "fill" myself with is a false sense of security and joy...which, in the end, just leaves me empty and lacking. 

gosh. what beauty and glory to know that it's ok to be at a loss...and still be FULL. 

yeah.